The "tiny" victories
Today I washed all the dirty dishes. For a person who has ADHD or something similar and who suffers from mental disorders, it was a big step. It was hard to get started, but I did it, I did it before it got too bad. There were only a few plates, a cutting board, two glasses, a mug and some utensils. Not even a year ago plates used to pile up, all my bowls, mugs and glasses would be dirty and I would only wash them when there was nothing else left to eat from. Mold would form, the smell would be awful, and I always hated that. That doesn't happen anymore. I should feel proud of myself - I have improved.
But once again, I feel close to nothing at all.
It's odd when you feel like every improvement, every achievement is more like a responsibility. It's a requirement to keep my home clean, even though I live alone and the only person who suffers is me. When I manage to clean, I don't feel proud of myself, I feel like I finally did one of my many chores and soon enough I will have to do it again. It's like I'm not getting better, I'm only getting closer to becoming a normal person - someone who can actually hold their life together. It's like I'm meeting the bare minimum when I do something that is challenging to me. Just like in every other aspect in life.
In school, I feel like top grades are a requirement. I feel like graduating is a requirement. When I get a great mark from an essay, I don't feel good, I don't even feel relieved, I only feel like I managed to do what was expected. That is a feeling I'm fighting to get rid of. It's ruining my self image, I think, and it also makes every single failure feel ten times worse.
I know there are many people who can't relate to this feeling, but there are also many who can. Being an overachiever since childhood, being an academic weapon, and growing up to be an average adult. You have to fight to keep up that level you were on as a child, because if you let yourself slip, you feel like an absolute failure, like you're nothing at all. In my life it has reached into every other aspect of life as well. I have to be perfect in everything or I feel like I'm a lost cause. My social skills are below average, and thus I don't believe I'll manage to make any friends, ever, at all, even when I know I've managed to find like-minded people more often than not. It's hard for me to clean, and now every time my apartment gets dirty I feel like a dirty disgusting excuse of a human who lives in a pigpen.
I know that instead of wallowing in these negative thoughts I should focus on the positives, and that's what I'm trying to do. That's why I'm telling myself and everyone who reads this that I am PROUD OF MYSELF FOR DOING THE DISHES. That's right, even if it's something someone else could get done easily, I am proud of it. It's not easy for me in particular, and thus I should celebrate my own tiny victory. I will also try to celebrate every passing grade, every compliment, every time I work hard and do my best, even when I don't reach the goal I might have aimed for. Because even then the victory is working hard. And sometimes you don't have to work hard to be proud of yourself. Sometimes you can celebrate letting yourself have a break. You don't need to be perfect in every single way, and that is something I want to learn, something I need to internalize. It will make life more worth living. Or that's what I think, anyway.
ᯓ✧ Anon