The beauty of uncertainty
I've tried writing down my thoughts in many places before. I've had blogs, I've had journals, I've written artistic and abstract short stories about life, feelings and issues I relate to. And still, even today, every time I decide to start writing about my thoughts again, I find myself struggling.
That might be the issue. Every time I start something, I stop doing it after a while. Sometimes I forget, sometimes I remember but don't feel like it, and I keep putting it off until I feel like it's too late to try again. At this point one could imagine that I'd already have realized that maybe blogging isn't my thing. Alas, here I am again. I am not yet ready to give up. Writing a blog is something I've always wanted to do, and it's never too late to try again. I think. Who knows if this hobby will stick? We can always hope it does, but it's impossible to know unless I try.
As awkward of a transition as this is, in this life it feels like every decision is final, every mistake ultimate. From the moment we start school we start hearing about the decisions we will have to make considering our future. What do you want to do when you grow up? Who do you want to be? When I was 7, there seemed to be endless possibilities. I could be anyone, I could do anything! And that's what I thought until the end of High School. I got nice grades, nice enough to have potential in any field if I wanted it enough. I could've become a lawyer, maybe, or work within healthcare, or I could be a historian or anything else I'd want to be!
But I never knew what I wanted to be. Yet, I had to make that choice. I wanted to start my own life away from my parents as soon as possible.
I got into university. That's an achievement in itself! But from the very beginning I was unsure if the field I picked was the right one for me. It is interesting, yes, but can I see myself working in this field? When I graduate, I have to find a job and a place to live and get my life together and be an adult, because that's how I've always imagined my life would go. Correct choices, endless successes, a straightworward road to follow. But after three years of studying here I still struggle to believe that this could be the life I want for myself.
Sometimes I feel like I have to settle. Like I have to fight myself and find the part of me that wants to work in this field. And maybe I do? I still don't know. The problem is that I haven't tried anything else. For three years I've studied culture and culture only. How could I know if I wanted to be, say, a doctor? And I don't.
We hurry into making decisions. The problem is, sometimes it takes so much more time than we have to figure out what we actually want. But that's what I find so interesting about life. It doesn't end if you make the wrong choice. You can always decide to try again. You never know if the path you take is going to be the right one for you, but the great thing about paths is that they usually branch. There are different roads you can take, even if you end up realizing the one you're on isn't the perfect one for you.
The annoying thing is that it takes time. Absolutely disgusting. I want to change the course of my life Right Now. I want to search for the correct field, the correct life right away - but why would I? The smart thing to do is finish my degree. To ensure I have a degree, something that helps me find a job - because in my country, getting a job without a degree is close to impossible. I have to live in the uncertainty of not knowing what future holds for me, because right now that's the smart thing to do. I think. Some changes you can make right away, and some you cannot. And it sucks.
Uncertainty is uncomfortable. It feels unsafe. But the interesting thing is, everything in life is uncertain, whether it feels like it or not. Everything passes, nothing is permanent, not really. And that's what I find pretty cool about living. In this moment one could think they know how their life will span out, but the next moment they could completely change their mind. It's neat, really. We can recreate ourselves as many times as we want to be the person we realize we want to be. Be it about working on a different field or writing a blog, or about changing your hairstyle or struggling to find your own personality, even if we make the wrong choice once, twice, many times, we have the power to try again.
And maybe that was pretty corny, but I think the thought is pretty encouraging.
ᯓ✧ Anon